Friday, August 21, 2009

Gaza's Newest Boy Band

Ever since ATBOTH's post, I've been dying to learn more about the guys who out-crazied Hamas, and I'm sure everyone else is too.

So strap yourselves in and get ready to rock because today, live from Gaza, we have for you, their Western World debut, the Emirs of Nowhere, the Fanatics of Fundy, JUND ANSAR ALLAH!

The JAA claims to be homegrown and have a loyal Gaza fan base, though this remains unverified. Its members prefer a long wavy look, supposedly in the fashion of Mohammed and his distant cousin, Stonewall Jackson. Their first album, "Why Hamas Sucks" paints their artistic vision in detail: they want strict (er?) Sharia in the Strip and say Hamas' political power has made it sell out and forget its core values, things like oppressing women and anyone who isn't Islamic enough. From their smash single, Dude, You're a Jerk:

"Man, you've changed, it used to be about the Sharia/
Now you won't return my calls, or help me firebomb that pizzeria..."

Their follow-up album, "You bunch of Uncle Tariqs" accuses Hamas of selling out to the evils of secular culture, and of being tools of "Jewish usurpers" and their Christian allies who keep screwing up Muslim efforts in such paradises as Iraq, Afghanistan, and Chechnya. Presumably the JAA would be all over those sweet jihads except for the fact that they're stuck in Gaza and continue to struggle against the most diabolical Jewish weapon invented since matzoh, walls.

JAA is Wahabbi/Salafist in theological orientation, and may be linked to Al Qaeda. The JAA has denied this, saying "nobody owns us, maaan." Hamas, for its part, claims the JAA is sponsored by Fatah, which, if true, would mean Dahlan is apparently taking a page from Israel's old playbook and funding violent Islamic fundamentalists in order to undermine a slightly more moderate enemy, thereby weakening the primary enemy and eventually creating... more violent Jihadi adversaries. Because that's worked really well.

(Also, I didn't know you could be Al Qaeda nutjobs and still accept money from apostate devils like Fatah. I thought there were principles at stake, dammit! Maybe this is like when secular Israelis smirkingly accept money from wackjob evangelicals.)

Following JAA's Charge of the Dim Brigade back in June, famous for its groundbreaking innovations in combining pyrotechnics and horses (PETA is still waiting for them to respond to their angry email), Hamas began to give them the squeeze, wanting to keep the limelight all to itself (this is nothing new for these stage hogs: see Gaza War of 2007). This pressure caused the movement to splinter a little and led to the creation of four smaller groups, or "mini-Qaedas", some of which have vowed that they will keep fighting the good fight during JAA's hiatus. No news yet if the JAA will demand any royalties or claim copyright infringement. I say they fight for their rights. It was their idea to call Gaza an Islamic Emirate, these other guys are just Jibril-come-lately posers.

JAA was led by Super-Sheik Abdel Latid Moussa until last Friday, when he decided to go totally old school on Hamas' ass in an impromptu protest concert outside a mosque in Rafah. Hamas applied their standard measure of peaceful tolerance to the situation by calmly explaining the error of Moussa's perspective, as articulated by that most diplomatic of means, a firing squad. Unless you ask Hamas, in which case the JAA decided to go out with a really big bang for unclear reasons. Hamas won't let any journalists into Gaza to check, so we don't really know.

Latest reports indicate that JAA is presently looking for a new frontman, preferably someone who both plays bass and is bulletproof.

[Sources:,7340,L-3762438,00.html ]