It's been almost a week since rumors began flying in Tehran that the Grand Ayatollah Ali Khameni had died. Frustratingly, the claims have not been able to be verified, and after a nail-biting few days, the Ayatollah's office recently released some photos of "Ol' Sparky" that supposedly prove the bearded one is still alive and kicking.
But do they?
I was a little suspicious of the photos and of such a long lag time from the Ayatollah's people, so I ran them by some former Mossad analysts (hi Uncle Doron), and asked them for their input.
Their results were as shocking as they were unshakable. According to my sources, there can be little doubt that the Ayatollah has been turned into a zombie.
Based on top-secret, off-the-record conversations with Persian Jewish dissidents I happen to know through my Ultimate Frisbee League, the Iranians have been investigating the possibilities of secret zombie technology for years, hence their long-standing friendly relationship with Haiti and their hostile policies towards the Dominican Republic, known in Iran as "that teeny-tiny Satan." Apparently the zombie project was first started during the Iran-Iraq war by Ayatollah Khomeini, who was very interested in living forever without actually having to martyr himself. However after an unfortunate accident involving tainted Iraqi werewolf blood, the research was put on hold. Shortly after, Khomeini died (though his brain is supposedly still being frozen for the day when they get the kinks out of the Ayatollah-bots). The same day that Khameni became Ayatollah, the zombie project was brought back out of its evil, dark shadowy grave.
My ex-CIA neighbor added that "this explains everything," such as why Khameni was kept totally isolated in his hospital room and the only one allowed to see him was his son. Can you say "Voodoo Incantation Ceremony?" (Really? Well, try saying it in Farsi. Not so easy, is it?)
Some argue that a Zombie-influenced Iranian leadership could actually be a good thing. Noted Zombieologists at New Orleans State confided in me that historically, many zombies have been proven to be docile, easily influenced, and not usually terribly hostile against Israel. (Compare that to Khameni before his hospital visit. What do we have to lose?) Additionally, America has a strong zombie tradition, so after Khameni gets over his new hunger for brains, his next urge may be to pick up the phone, call up Washington, and ask for a free walking tour of the French Quarter.
No word yet on what the Grand Zombietollah's first move will be. But my psychic pharmacist says that if we're lucky, it will involve a dead chicken, a pentagram made of blood, and Ahmadinejad's soul being transferred into a pin-stuffed doll.
[Sources: Yediot http://www.ynetnews.com/articles/0,7340,L-3791250,00.html and Jpost http://www.jpost.com/servlet/Satellite?cid=1255547722212&pagename=JPost%2FJPArticle%2FShowFull]