Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Israel melons spread AIDS. News at 11

It just gets sicker and sicker. First it was the aphrodisiac chewing gum, meant to corrupt the virtue of Palestinian young'ens. Now (insert ominous music here) the scandal du jour is disease carrying Israeli fruit!

Apparent, a text message is spreading like wildfire in Saudi Arabia: "The Saudi Interior Ministry warns its citizens of a truck loaded with AIDS infected melons that Israel brought into the country"

The rumor has enough credibility to have made it to the front page of one of the most important Arabic language newspapers.

Oh those crafty Jews, er, Zionists. What ever will they think of next?


Anonymous said...

As long as the Saudis do not engage in high risk sexual activities with the melons, there is little to fear.

Use of a latex condom while engaging in melon sex will also afford protection.

Remember: Safe Sex is good sex.
Protect yourself. Protect your melon.

Hamid Al-Shammam Al Hijazi said...

Same procedures as with animals, in other words.

Such a disappointment; I guess I'll have to send away for a tub of genuine American lard. It's clarified, you see. Smooth.

Anonymous said...

Try Coconut oil. Solid at room temperature. Liquid at body temperature.

Not necessary with a melon.

Word of advice: Do not chill the melon first. Room temperature works better. For all concerned

Now you can have your dessert and eat it too.

Sheik y'ar Booty

Hamid Al-Shammam Al Hijazi said...

Sheikh Yarbutti ya habib,

I do not like coconut oil. Too Indian, too Bengali. And far far too Paki.

Lard is silky velvety smooth.
Say, what's it made out of anyway?

Anonymous said...

Is there a UN Agency that adresses the apparently wide spread phenomena of melons being raped in the Arab world? How about other fruits and vegetables? Is it true that the Wallachs are no longer permitted in the zuchini aisle in the produce store? Inquiring minds want to know.

Urk! Mew-desuka? said...

Is it true that the Wallachs are no longer permitted in the zuchini aisle in the produce store? Inquiring minds want to know

That may explain their greenish hue. Too much zuchini. Not enough tofu.

Tofu is good for the delicate parts, by the way. As a topical application.
For when you want to be full of beans.
Vim. Vigor.

But lard works also. Not as benficial to the membranes. Hence more suited for a manly Levantine, rather than a delicate Wallachian.

Chaim ben David said...

Rabbosai, that is disgusting! Speculating about the peculiar habits of the wasteland people is one thing (and we've certainly got room for lots of speculation), but supposing that the Wallach sisters pursue their bliss, in whatever way they are able, is more than passing nauseating! Ick poo!
Heck, presuming that those two dears are interested in anything so mundane as glandular secretions and membrane stimuli is totally groundless. And hence uncalled for.

Lest it give them ideas.

Please desist.
At least till after lunch.
Thank you.

Sheikh Kousa Mashi b'Tawfu said...

If you're eating lunch, may I suggest the zuchinis? They're really juicy this year.

Bon gusto.

Anonymous said...

Don you think that means that theres something perverse with the Walachs' obsession with Trader Joe's? Does that mean that they've been doing kinkier,weirder stuff with the groceries than just "squeezing the Charmin"? Are there many other anti-zionists out there raping melons in the field? Is it a behavioral pattern among anti-zionists? If so,whats the conection and meaning? Theres alot of questions to be asked.


Melon rape: a crisis of staggering proportion.

Melons are this year's kinky Arab sexual fetish, much like tubs of tofu were last year, and used vacuum cleaner bags the year before. Will no one stand up for the rights of melons? Won't anyone DO something to stop this foul epidemic? Oh, what is to become of us? Soon there will not be any more virgin melons anywhere in the mid-east, and even the shahids will perforce not receive their quota of 72 virgin melons!

I disaster. Horrific. I am thoroughly appalled. The UN should step in, and lay down the law!

Raise a peace-keeping force to protect the innocent melons, prevent them from despoliation, violation, and puncturation.

Anonymous said...

But its perfectly normal for a young anti-zionist to have these feeling about large,round globular produce, isn't it doctor? I mean everyone does it at some point in their life, right? Its not like it'll make you go blind, right? After all, the Walachs seem alright. I await your answer and advice.

Vegi-Curious in Ramallah

Dr. Mahmoud Zahar said...

Dear Vegi-Curious in Ramallah,

Having feelings towards round globular objects is perfectly normal, many teenagers experience such attractions. However anything further must develope in a spirit of mutual respect.
No means no. No ALWAYS means no.

Also keep in mind that legal and cultural conditions may differ, in different parts of the world. Whereas a Frenchman might feel attracted to cabbage (ma petite chou), a subcontinental could be attracted to fruit ('mangoes like ripe breasts') and an American might be passionate about cantaloupes.

Be gentle, and above show that you care. Do not bruise the object of your affections - you might want to eat it afterwards.
And no, you cannot go blind.

If you have any doubts, consult your imam.

GRANT!PATEL! said...

Ah, melons! Such a magic word.!

---Grant Patel

GRANT!PATEL! said...

I wonder, do the Arabs prefer their melons veiled, or entirely scanty?

---Grant Patel

GRANT!PATEL! said...

And just WHERE do you think you're putting that coconut oil?!?!?

---Grant Patel

Anonymous said...

The Sinai was the first test of what the other Arab states REALLY felt about the artificial nationalism imposed on the Arabs of pre-state Israel by the Arab League. The Sinai returned by Israel to Egpyt is more post-'67 Six Day War territory than Israel retains. If Palestinian nationalism was anything more than a device to attack Israel, Egypt assisted by the oil rich Arab world, would've made at least part of the Sinai into a "Palestinian State", right?